That weird dream that follows you the rest of the day

By Franz Schrotzberg (Own work, Robertsan1, 2009-11-24) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Last night I had a dream that I was fumbling around in college, not remembering where my classes were or getting homework done. And I felt panic because there was this big, wide world full of possibilities that was going to pass me by if I didn’t get my life together. I rushed to my dorm (because apparently my dream forgot that I never lived in a dorm during college), grabbed a pen and some sticky notes, and wrote down three lines of something to organize my life. As soon as I did that, the dream-me had a sense of peace, purpose, and excitement. Then I woke up.

Maybe it’s the dream or maybe it was the nice relaxing weekend I had. But today seems filled with a sense of purpose. On my drive into work today, all I could think about was how much stuff I was going to get done, and how it was going to be the right stuff. I figured it couldn’t hurt to do what I did in the dream, so I wrote down three lines of whatever came to my head:

Today I am feeling a sense of purpose.

Today I am supposed to be working on my to do list.

Today I am going to write.

I’ve felt a sense of something negative dogging my thoughts anytime I sit down to write lately. Whether it’s a sense of guilt, or of missing the mark, or of trying to be fake I don’t know. At CONvergence, one writer confessed that he has nightmares every now and then that his publishing company will call him up and say “We’ve discovered you’re not a real writer and we would like all our money back please.” (This is someone who’s published over 20 novels.)

I’m aware that writer’s tend to be hard on themselves. That there are often voices of doubt and weary where there shouldn’t be. To be honest, it kind of amuses me because that is something you don’t often see in the world. Writers are very sweet and at their core, humble. Because we’re all afraid that we’re just faking it, so we’re afraid to be pompous.

Anyways, I just want to say to any writers out there who might feel that cloud of writerly woe hanging over them: tell that cloud “not today”. Today, you are a writer, and today, you get to do what you do best.

May a sense of hearty purpose and peaceful perspective follow you throughout today.

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